Ooc.
What is happiness? What does it feel like to smile? A true smile... I don't even know what happiness is anymore... My life has been turned upside down and honestly... I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm not seeking for attention, which is why I'm commenting on my page(s), not in a journal. I don't want to be a burden to anyone... But I don't want it to seem like I'm being nothing more than a crybaby.
Lately, I've been receiving a lot of hate mail/ death threats... Not only that, but I'm being bullied... A lot... They call me a freak, shit, slut (even though I'm not one at all whatsoever), and a monster... a monster. why are they calling me that? Well, it's because.. I forgot what it was called, but I guess I can explain it. Every time I get angry, and pretty much blinded by rage, I black out... And when I snap back to reality, I realize I tried to hurt or kill the person who made me mad. Hell, I sent my brother to the hospital because of this... But that's not the point... One of my best friends.. Well, ex best friend, backstabbed me and told ALL of my secrets to the people who hated me, including me beating up my brother.. And that's why I'm called a monster now.. But I'm not a monster! I didn't even want to harm him... I don't know what took over me, i just... What did I do to deserve this? I'm trying to ignore all of the hate mail, and the messages telling me to just go kill myself... But it hurts so much... So so much...
But sadly, this isn't all of what makes me really pissed off and.. Well.. Upset...
A couple days ago when I was with my grandpa... He fell down to the ground and couldn't get back up... Since we were in public, I thought people would come and help.. But I was wrong... Yes, they looked... But they didn't bother to help, or call 911, or even to try to reassure me it was okay. I was crying my freaking heart out! Thank god I had a phone other wise I wouldn't have been able to call the ambulance.. But today was his birthday, and we had to spend it in the hospital... He didn't deserve to spend it in the hospital... Not at all... I'm so afraid of losing him... I already lost one person because of me...
Oh, and if you think I murdered the person, you are wrong... He sacrificed his life... I remember it was almost a month ago and we were taking a walk together. He was my best friend... And my crush... Anyways, we were crossing the street together... I didn't even realize a truck was coming... Apparently, he did and shoved me out if the way... It... It was an instant kill... He died because of me... All because of me...
And I found out he loved me like I loved him... He was planning to confess to me... He wrote out what he was going to say to me... I miss him so much....
I've been holding these feelings in for so long... And I don't think I can handle all of this anymore... I just... I can't... If you read all of this, congrats... I may not be one for a while.. Who knows... Hell, my parents are even thinking about sending me to a mental hospital because of how I'm acting... I can't go back... Not again... I'm going through a lot right now... So please excuse me if I don't reply... goodbye
~Admin Kimiko